Pain
Maybe it's bravado, but I'd like to think that I'm not fearful of too many things.
I don't like pain (who does, except for the pathologically masochistic?), but I do not fear it if it is merely physical. Wounds heal, bruises go away, and scars are just proof that you've survived something that wasn't strong enough to kill you. I don't rush headlong into something that will hurt my body, but I don't avoid it simply because I fear the pain.
I am, however, afraid of emotional pain. These are the wounds that fester, the bruises that remain sensitive to the slightest touch, and the scars that rip open violently with the slightest provocation. Tears are seldom enough when seeking solace.
Few things hurt me more emotionally than the fear of loneliness. Abandonment is a type of Kryptonite to my personal Superman fantasies. Few things frighten me as the prospect of loss of contact, whether we're talking about family, friends, or loved ones.
There are some things going on in my life that have reawakened this spark of fear in me. A good friend is caught in the middle of two loyalties, and perhaps the fear is borne out of the possibility that, when his loyalty and friendship to me is measured against the achievement of a personal ambition, our friendship might come up short. If I was naturally more confident and less insecure, I could remain optimistic and not be fearful that a genuine friendship will survive even this. However, even if our friendship is undoubtedly a strong one, there is a fear on my part that ambition is stronger, more attractive, and more worthy of protection.
The truth is, I cannot begrudge my friend if this indeed was the case. If this is his response, then because I consider him to be a true friend I can accept this. I may not like it, but I can accept it.
Yet the cold hand of paranoia freezes my soul and hurts me.
The fear of loss is a torture that I alone must bear.
:: Posted by txtmstrjoe AT 7/23/2008 02:41:33 AM
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Name: txtmstrjoe
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